Sunday, March 09, 2008

What Ever Happened To The ‘80s Porn?

I just know this is the question that is on everyone’s mind. What did Greg ever do with that big bag of 1980s Porn that came with the house. Inquiring minds want to know! Well, inquire no more. The big bag of porn has been dealt with in the only appropriate manner I could think of.

I hid it in the wall for future generations to find.

This big bag of porn – there must be 30 or so magazines – has been floating around the house for several years. I keep meaning to get rid of it, but the house is so big, and I use so little of it, that it can end up in the corner of a room with lots of other crap, and then be forgotten about for months or years.

It was in the closet under the stairs in the kitchen for a few years {aka "The 80s Porn Closet"}, and then 2 years ago when I did the kitchen it ended up in the room that is now being turned in to a utility room. It is kind of funny that while it has been sitting on the floor there, I’ve had a few parties and get-togethers of old-house folk. These are the type of people who love to check out old houses and snoop in to weird back rooms that are still a work-in-progress, which for me, is most of my house.

On a few occasions I’ve been standing in this room with the big bag of porn on the floor explaining to people my future plans for the room. It is sort of a “The Tell-Tale Heart” type of moment where I suddenly remember that there is a big bag of porn sitting in the middle of the room and one of the curious guests could peek in to it at any moment. Instead of the sound of a beating heart from under the floor boards pounding in my ears, I imagine other sounds coming from the big bag of porn. I never lingered in that room long.

Most of the porn is the standard Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler, but there is some Japanese porn, and then there are the real low-budget porn magazines with titles I’ve never heard of. The production qualities are really poor on these low-budget magazines, and, if the truth be told, the woman aren’t that attractive. I think the only thing worse for a woman than being in the porn industry, would be to be at the bottom of the porn industry. They’re 25 year old magazines and it makes me wonder where those woman are today. Those low-budget ones were a little depressing to look at.

So, I’m now working on the utility room – I have 3 walls covered in beadboard so far - and it was finally time to deal with the big bag of porn once and for all. Before I beadboarded over the opening to the cavity under the stairs where I found all of the long-lost belongings of Mrs. Petch, I printed up the blog entry of how I found the big bag of porn, and the blog entry of how I found Mrs. Petch’s long-lost corset and bottle of Cod Liver Oil in this same cavity under the stairs. I put the blog entries in to the big bag of porn and shoved it under the stairs and boarded it over.

It’s going to be an odd find for some future house owner. It may be an odd find, but honestly, who wouldn’t love to find some 1890 cabinet cards of scantly clad young women hidden in a cavity some place in your house. I think if it is found in 20 years, it will be kind of odd and creepy. If it is found in 100 years, it'll be a treat.

11 comments:

Jenni said...

Great Idea with the "finds". Thanks for posting your older links they were interesting to read.

Greg said...

Jenni,

Glad you liked the odd story of The Big Bag of Porn.

Only in an old house, right?

John said...

I love it.

You're right too. I can't think of a better way to dispose of it.

Our Little Bungalow said...

Gotta love it! Thanks for laugh today!

iloveupstate.com said...

that soooo totally rocks!!!

Kathy from NJ said...

You really ought to include some current porn, maybe a nude picture of Mr. Petch House?

Jennifer said...

Yep, can't think of anything better to do with it... what a find for someone later!

Monica... Media Professional said...

I just got lost, for the better part of two hours, reading your back posts from August/September 2005.

The bag of porn, the corset... does it get any better? It's like they left a time capsule for you, and you're doing your karmic duty, by passing along the favor.

I'll go back to 2005 (the blog posts, anyway), when I shouldn't be doing homework. :-)
~Monica~

Tiffany said...

That is such an awesome story!

kingstreetfarm said...

That. Is. Awesome.
LOLOL!

Mrs. Limestone said...

This wins as the best house blog post of all time.

Aside from already entertaining fact that its a universal rule that men can't bring themselves to throw away perfectly good porn (and you really don't ask how I know that!) - I can't help but laugh at thinking of some future generation uncovering it. Great job!