Wednesday, November 16, 2005

My Fantasy

So last week when I was finishing up the cabinets I was down on the floor mortising the hinges for the last 2 cabinet doors. It is kind of tedious work and the mind wanders. I started thinking about a future cabinet building project. I want to rebuild the cabinets that separated the Dining Room from the Butler’s Pantry. These were floor to ceiling, double sided cabinets. They had cabinet doors on both Dining Room and Butler’s Pantry side and the drawers could be pulled open from both sides. They were ruthlessly ripped out some time in the 1920s.

On the Butler’s Pantry side the cabinet doors and drawers would have been somewhat plain. The cabinets doors would be solid wood panel doors. On the Dining Room side the cabinet doors would be glass or maybe the diamond leaded glass so you could display your fine china to all the important guest you would want to impress. All in all, on the Dining Room side they would have been much nicer, with more detail, and little bit fancier looking. The idea is that you clean and put away dishes on the Butler’s Pantry side and they are on display on the Dining Room side.

Despite the fact that the kitchen cabinets came out good I am still very much a novice cabinet builder. The one thing that saved my butt with the kitchen cabinets was that they were painted. I could caulk and fill as needed prior to painting to help hind any faux pas I may have made during construction. With the Butler’s Pantry cabinets the Dining Room side will be clear finished, wood grained cabinets. It will be hard to hide my mistakes. So I started to think, wouldn’t it be nice to have some help, and then I began to fantasize about the ultimate helper. Here’s how it went.


Ring. Ring. (The telephone rings)

Greg: Hello.

Norm: Hi, may I speak to Greg from The Petch House

Greg: This is Greg

Norm: Hi Greg. This is Norm Abram from The New Yankee Workshop.

Greg: Yea, right! Who is this, Phil? Chuck, is that you?

Norm: No Greg, it’s really me. This is Norm and I’m calling from The New Yankee Workshop. One of the producers of the show stumbled on your blog and we’ve all become big fans.

Greg: Ok, I’m about hang up unless you tell me who you really are.

Norm: No, Greg, it’s really me, I swear.

Greg: Hmmm, you know, come to think of it, none of my friends here know about my blog, and it really does sound like you. Wow! This is so cool. Norm Abram is calling me at home.

Norm: Yes, it really is me. Now listen, like I said, a lot of us here have become big fans of your blog. We love the cabinets you built in the kitchen.

Greg: Oh, boy, Norm that’s so nice of you to say that, but don’t get too good a look at them. There are a lot of little mistakes that would make you crazy.

Norm: Hey, come one, don’t cut yourself short. My first cabinets didn’t look near as good (Now you know this is a fantasy). Besides look at those crappy tools you have. I mean, come on buddy, don’t be so cheap all the time.

Greg: I know, I know. I buy I lot of crap, but you gotta understand I’m on a shoestring budget here. I have this massive home I’m trying to restore here all by myself and I have no money. I have to cut corners every place I can.

Norm: I know. Like I said, I’ve been following your blog, but this is sort of the reason why I called. We’ve been talking for years about taking The New Yankee Workshop on the road. Sure there are plenty of places here on the East Coast we could go but we want to come out there and help you with a project (Fantasy). So what do you say?

Greg: Oh my God! That is so cool! Are you serious?

Norm: Yes, I’m totally serious. We read about your missing Butler’s Pantry cabinets and we want to help you rebuild them. We’ll do the whole thing out of salvaged old-growth redwood. We’ll make the finest High Victorian Cabinets that town has ever seen. They’ll be fit for the…what’s that place called…The Carman Mansion…

Greg: You mean The Carson Mansion…

Norm: Yea, that’s the place, The Carson Mansion. So what do you say? Do you want to build some cabinets?

Greg: Oh man, do I ever. This is so fucking cool! Ooops! Excuse me.

Norm: That’s ok. You should hear Tommy curse.

Greg: But, there is one big problem.

Norm: What’s that?

Greg: Well, it’s my crappy tools. We can’t build first class cabinets with my crappy tools, and I can’t imagine you would want to dismantle The New Yankee Workshop and haul it across the country.

Norm: Well, that’s the best part. We’ve contacted a wealthy individual that loves your use of salvage and used materials and this person has agreed to donate a complete set of top-of-the-line tools for the project. The first thing we’ll do when we get there is set you up a first-class woodshop for you. It’s going to be great. So what do you say?

Greg: Oh, man, are you kidding. I’m totally down with it. You know, it’s really strange that you should call about this.

Norm: Oh yea, why’s that?

Greg: Well, last week when I was finishing up the cabinets in the kitchen I was down on the floor mortising the hinges for the last 2 cabinet doors. It is kind of tedious work and the mind wanders.

Norm: Tell me about it.

Greg: Right, so any way, I started thinking about rebuilding the Butler’s Pantry cabinets and I started to think, wouldn’t it be nice to have some help and then I began to fantasize about the ultimate helper.

Norm: Well, tell me about it.

Greg: Here’s how it went.

Ring. Ring. (The telephone rings)

Greg: Hello.

Norm: Hi, may I speak to Greg from The Petch House

Greg: This is Greg

Norm: Hi Greg. This is Norm Abram from The New Yankee Workshop.

Greg: Yea, right! Who is this, Phil? Chuck, is that you?

Norm: No Greg, it’s really me. This is Norm and I’m calling from The New Yankee Workshop. One of the producers of the show stumbled …...Wait, haven’t I done this before?

Greg: Yea, I think maybe we have. I think we’re stuck in some sort of Causality Loop.

Norm: A c-a-u-s-a-l-i-t-y l-o-o-p?

Greg: Yes a Causality Loop. It’s a theoretical phenomenon, which is said to occur when a chain of cause-effect events is circular. I’m not sure how we’ll get out of it.

Norm: I have a hammer.

Greg: No, that’s not going to do us any good here. Do you know anything about Quantum Mechanics or Spatial Distortions?

Norm: I have a hammer.

Greg: Yea, look Norm, the stupid hammer isn’t going to do us any good here.

Norm: I have a hammer.

Greg: So, is that like all you can say?

Norm: I have a hammer.

Greg: Holy crap! Are you stuck in your own Causality Loop.

Norm: No, I just like to say that. I have a hammer.

Greg: Yea…uh…why don’t you just sit tight and I’ll try and get us out of this. What we need is a massive explosion to break the cycle of the Causality Loop. Do you happen to have a Tri-Cobalt Explosive device.

Norm: I have a hammer.

Greg: Al right, just go to hell Norm. I’ll do this myself. Ok….let me just…. No wait…there I’ve got it. Are you ready Norm?

Norm: I have a hammer.


BOOM!

4 comments:

deb said...

okay that was so funny!!!

Anonymous said...

Greg - you really crack me up. Causality loop, how this stuff comes to your mind while writing is beyond me!

The cabinets do look great and congrats on the pocket doors. I love the thrill of salvage finds too.

Warren
Toronto, ON

Nick said...

Greg, that was so awesome.

JLynnette said...

LOL! That was too funny. Good luck on the butler's pantry/dining room cabinets. You'll do fine.